Devil's duo

The other day a rather unexpected feeling presented itself to me. I was having a leisurely stroll around the neighbourhood in an exceptionally jolly mood - I had had a wonderful day with lots of laughing and cuddling with the children and was really feeling The Christmas Spirit - when a sharp bang of longing went through my chest.

I began to feel anxious and with every pace taken towards home I grew more restless, it seemed. Even after having settled down comfortably in my room with a cup of mulled wine I couldn't shake the anxiety off. I was not feeling good, for the duo of anxiety and restlessness, or the duo from the devil, as one might say, I hate most of all. What made it worse was that I didn't know where the feelings came from. Oh boy, was it fun...

When I did the only thing that seemed to not make me feel worse [opened my Facebook, that is], and saw my Mum's name and the little green dot right next to it and felt a faint wave of sadness, I realised what was wrong. I was actually so homesick that it made me feel that bad. But how come? I've enjoyed and loved everything here, all the madness that's going on in my life nowadays is making me feel like I'm really living, and yet I get homesick. Why is that?

Just because I couldn't bare to feel so anxious without knowing the cause for it, I had to try and find it, the cause I mean. I sat down and actually thought through the recent changes in my life that might have caused my oh-so-strong anxiety.

And, believe it or not, I found it. The cause for the Devil's Duo and homesickness was the fact that I no longer had anything to wait for except for going home. What I mean is, not once during my time in London have I had a time when I didn't have anything really special and exciting to wait for - at the beginning there were the occasional and somewhat rare nights out with my relatives, then there was the visit of my Mum and friend looming in the future, after that I was so looking forward to going to celebrate Diwali with one of my relative's family. Thus, it seems that the something-a-bit-extraordinary that is going to happen in the future is something I get happiness from when I'm having a bad day. It cheers me up to think that there's something out of the ordinary coming up.

[Although, let's face it, who doesn't? Everybody gets cheered up by exciting events. I know I'm not the only one. But that's not the point.]

The good thing is that the Devil's Duo's appearance was only a one-day thing. It's long gone and moved on by now, and I'm as good as ever. But I guess one has to have at least one real low point while living abroad to realise how great the time on other days has been.

And, for one thing, it showed me that I do miss home even though I hadn't felt it until now. It made me realise how wonderful a thing it is to have a place called home to miss and to return to. Not everybody has one.